The Keto Brownie Betrayal

The Keto Brownie Betrayal

I just wanted chocolate. Instead, I got disappointment with a side of regret.



There came a time in my keto journey when I believed this time will be different. I’ve accepted that “bread” now means “egg and cheese fluffed in a pan,” and “pizza crust” is just a mozzarella omelet in disguise. But dessert? Dessert was supposed to be sacred. Which is why, when I set out to make keto brownies, I had hope. Dangerous, delusional hope.

The ingredients gave me confidence. There was no cheese this time. No sneaky mozzarella hiding behind almond flour. Just cocoa, vanilla, coconut oil, eggs, and sugar (fake sugar, of course), which I try to convince myself doesn’t taste like sadness anymore. This wasn’t going to be another “this tastes like regret and desperation” experiment. This was going to be brownies.

And to be fair, it smelled like brownies. As they baked, the kitchen was filled with the rich, chocolatey aroma that promised decadence. But like every toxic relationship I’ve ever had, it lured me in with false promises.

I didn’t even cut into them that night. Discipline, I told myself. It was late, I was already fasting, and I wanted to give them a fair shot after chilling overnight. That’s what the recipe recommended, and I’m nothing if not obedient to the keto experts.

The next day, after a proper lunch and sufficient anticipation, I sliced off a modest, keto-sized sliver — approximately one-fifth of a normal human bite. I took the first nibble.

Salt. Bitterness. Dry despair. A flaky square of cocoa-dusted particle board.

Was this a brownie? Or was this a prank by the almond flour cartel to remind me who's boss?

Naturally, I refused to throw away a whole pan. Partly because I hate waste —  and partly because I had survivor's guilt. So I turned to frosting. I googled “easy keto frosting” and found the usual suspects: cream cheese, butter, more fake sugar, a splash of vanilla. It sounded promising. I expected sweet and fatty! It tasted… salty. Why is everything salty on keto? Is this a punishment for giving up potatoes?

I added cocoa powder to a small amount of the frosting, a little at a time. Now it was dark and mysterious, but still not sweet. So, I added a touch of sweetener — and I instantly regretted it. That distinct, unmistakable flavor of “sugar” made by robots trying to guess what humans like.

At this point, I gave up and smeared the original vanilla frosting over the brownies like sadness on toast. They looked decent, I’ll give them that. But it had the look of a brownie and the soul of a protein bar.

Will I finish them? Of course. I’m committed. But it will take weeks, maybe months. I also accidentally ate 3.5 servings in the process of “taste testing,” so I was instantly over my fat macros at only 2:30 PM. Which meant I'd be fasting for the rest of the day. Not out of discipline — out of pure nutritional math.

In conclusion: keto baking continues to be a cruel experiment in humility. But if anyone wants some faintly chocolatey, deeply salty failure squares… check out the recipe below.

✨ Bitter Disappointment Brownies (Keto Edition) ✨
Servings: Technically 25. Emotionally? None.
Prep time: 15 minutes
Bake time: 20 minutes
Emotional recovery: TBD

🧂 Ingredients:

For the Brownies:

  • 1 cup almond flour (because of course)

  • 1/3 cup cocoa powder (to lure you in with false hope)

  • 1/3 cup coconut oil (a slippery slope)

  • 2/3 cup erythritol or monk fruit sweetener (aka "The Betrayer")

  • 2 eggs (for structure and soul-binding)

  • 1 tsp vanilla extract (a faint memory of real dessert)

  • Pinch of salt (don’t worry — it’ll feel like more)

  • 1 tsp baking power (to pretend you're really baking)

For the Frosting (Optional, Pointless):

  • 8 oz cream cheese (room temp, like your expectations)

  • 1 stick of butter (because keto)

  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder (why not)

  • 1–2 tbsp sweetener (play a dangerous game)

  • 1/2 tsp vanilla

  • A whisper of regret

🧁 Instructions:

  1. Preheat your oven to 350°F, like your rising anxiety.

  2. Mix all brownie ingredients in a bowl. Think about every life choice that led to this moment while stirring. I used a hand mixer.

  3. Pour into a greased 8x8 pan. Level the top with the back of a spoon or your crushed dreams.

  4. Bake for 20–25 minutes, or until the house smells amazing and your hope peaks.

  5. Cool completely. (Don’t touch them. Let them lull you into complacency.)

  6. Chill overnight. Because maybe, just maybe, they’ll transform into something edible.

Spoiler: they won’t.

  1. Make frosting by mixing everything and hoping for a miracle. Taste. Make face. Add more cocoa. Taste again. Contemplate starting a sourdough starter instead.

  2. Frost brownies with your failed experiment. Think of it as a distraction blanket.

🧾 Macros (per 1/25 brownie)(all amounts are estimates):

  • Fat: 9.5g

  • Protein: 1.5g

  • Carbs: 2g (net)

  • Satisfaction: 0g

  • Regret: varies by bite

📝 Notes:

  • Do not attempt to serve these to non-keto people unless you want to get unfriended.

  • Pairs well with tears and sparkling water. You can also try vodka and soda to erase the pain.

  • Stores in the fridge for up to 3 weeks, which is about how long it'll take you to forget how bad they are and try again.

⭐ Rating:

★☆☆☆☆ (one pity star for effort)

Would I make it again?
Only if the alternative is cauliflower brownies. And even then, it’s a toss-up.

I added a 1/3 cup of honey-roasted pecans because I'm weak. Please don't judge me. 

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